Her Little Pink Question

"Mommy, why is October pink month?" asks my ever curious 5 year old. She's glancing back at the grocery stand covered in pink ribbon products. I wonder how I would have answered her question had things been different.

What would I have said if my forever friend had never called with cracking voice, "I found a lump..."  

The flashbacks come quick bringing a pit in my stomach and chills across my face. 

I'm in her guest bedroom, writing a letter of hope begging God she'll open it years and years and years from now, only to remember. I'm throwing my phone in the grass, her husband's news of a double mastectomy and months of chemo pounding in my head. I'm on a couch across from her mom who through tears is steadfastly thanking our Lord for this trial, while the rest of us sob and ask that His mercy would come quick and save. I'm pushing a stroller next to her. Leaves crunch under our feet and we watch our children run ahead laughing. She wears the first hat out of necessity. It covers the clumps that began to fall that morning. And some days there are no words. And all you can do is pray through your eyes.

There are many images and they are different every time I stop and think pink. I don't have her full pinked perspective. But when you've lived even just a bit of pink you don't have an average answer when your five your old asks, "What's with all the pink?"

Before, I may have said, "I'll explain it when you're older, honey. Now grab your granola bars. Let's keep moving." 

Do I wish that were the case? That it had all never happened. Not for a heartbeat. And here in Safeway, two years later I'm thankful she stops me in my tracks. I'm thankful her little pink question interrupts my thoughts of what's next on the list, because I have been given a much better answer.

"Do you remember when Aunt Kara was sick and had to take that yucky medicine?"

"Kind of."

"And do you remember how we prayed that God would help her get better?"

"Yes."

"Well, this is the month when we remember that God always hears our prayers. That He healed her, and we pray for anyone else who might be sick like Aunt Kara was."

The 3 year old blonde interrupts from the cart. "Yeah, cause God loves us!"

And with those words I see my friend, not like she was before the cancer, not like she was during the cancer, but how she is now. Her smile a little brighter.  Her steps more purposeful. Her heart overflowing in compassion more than ever before. And I know it deep again. The sweet blonde is right. God does love us.

Truth:

The Lord appeared to us in the past, saying: “I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with unfailing kindness." ~ Jeremiah 31:3

Restart Button

I have a couple of girlfriends who I call on days that are rough. I hope you do too. We all need these friends, because we all have these days. You know the days I speak of. Days where the house is filled with grumbling and complaining or worse, screaming and crying, and that's just my behavior, not to mention the kids' nonsense. It's sometimes as early as 9:00 am when I know I need to call for help.

On one such day, I called and complained that I just needed a pause button. One that would give me a break, for just a few seconds.  A button that would briefly stop the madness. The world's madness, the children's madness, MY madness. Or better yet, a rewind button!  I could go back to point where it all fell apart, make a better choice and ultimately change the outcome.  She said something I've come back to time and time again. 

"Yeah, I don't think we get those buttons, but I do think Jesus gives us a restart button."

A restart button

Oh friends, I can't remember or begin to tell you how many times I've had to apologize, and ask for a restart, to my children, my husband, my friends, and most of all my God.

I'm not sure what humbles me most, the endless times He allows me to restart... not seven times but seventy-seven times. Or the length he went to purchase my many restarts... even death on a cross.  Perhaps it's the Spring flowers, or the new growth on the trees, but something keeps reminding me that when Jesus walked out of that tomb, God pressed the ultimate restart button.

I should probably end there. Enough said, right? 

But, I haven't said much here lately and I feel the need to explain.  I hit pause on this whole blog/ writing journey. It was a time in my life when I needed to be writing His words and not my own. I mean this literally. For at least 15 minutes a day I became a monk. I would diligently re-write some exact words from the Bible with the hope that as I impressed them time and time again on paper, they would also etch their way into my heart. Extreme? Maybe. Helpful? Most definitely.

I even pressed pause on Facebook for a while. I tried to take my hands away from my phone, and put them back into the pile of laundry that needed to be folded, or onto the family card game that needed to be played. My eyes were on the faces in front of me, instead of the ones that were miles and years away. Sure, I missed announcements of engagements, newborn babies, who worked out, and what's for dinner. But, the minute I logged back on, I missed the calm that came from unplugging.

While all of these were wise decisions, I still felt a nudge to keep listening, keep thinking, and most of all keep writing.

So I sit here in the dark of night, searching this bright screen for the, "restart button." Hoping that anyone reading won't mind giving me the same grace my Heavenly Father offers me time and time again. I don't always accept it as soon as I should, but the alternative is to allow rot and decay to set in. So for this moment, I'm choosing a new creation, a clean slate. I'm choosing to start again... Knowing full well that I may need to make this choice again in the next 10 seconds... Thanking my Savior that I can, because of all He did.

Truth~

And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death— even death on a cross! 
~Philippians 2:8 

If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. ~1 John 1:9

Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come:  The old has gone, the new is here! 
~2 Corinthians 5:17

Lonely

I've been feeling lonely. I'm not going to write a long sob story about this, because I truly am surrounded by people who love me. More so, I am going to make the choice not to let this emotion lead me down the spiral of self pity.

However, this  morning  I could not live in denial either.  As I was blow drying my hair, I let my emotions come to the surface.  My eyes turned weepy and in my rarely quiet house I told God the truth. It sounded something like this. (Think whiny voice in my head.)

"I am lonely, I just want a little encouragement from someone. I know I need to stop looking for it from other people, but I really just want some one to cheer me on, tell me I'm doing a good job..."

When my curly locks were finally somewhat tamed. I sat to write my memory verses. I opened my bible app, and before I could navigate my way to Philippians, these "verses of the day" caught my eye.

Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses,
let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles.
And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us,
fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith. 
For the joy set before him he endured the cross, scorning its shame,
and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God. 
~Hebrews 12:1, 2

His display of amazing love for me came on that lonely cross He endured two thousand some years ago, but He also showed it today in a brief moment where He encouraged me with His word when I least expected it. How sweet is the grace of my God. The maker of the universe is also my friend who has designed time to give me words of encouragement when I need it most.

Feeling lonely? Tell our maker. He longs to bless us, whether we are expecting it or not.